#parenting #teen #family #sex
In a society that glorifies sex, it can be very difficult for girls to remain virgins until they are married. They see and hear about it every day and everywhere they turn- on the media, books, hear about it from their friends at school, hear about in music, etc. The talk about sex is everywhere.
It is very important as parents you find the balance between lecturing and really talking to your daughter about sex. They are already having it very difficult to stay a virgin with all the hormones they are feeling so the last thing they need is their parents down their throat about sex, what they need is a friend they can talk to and share their experiences and feelings with without feeling guilty or you being upset with them, or you lecturing them about sex and relationship stuff.
When you consider the statistic:
- 2% of teens have had sex by the time they reach their 12th birthday.
- 16% of teens have sex by age 15.
- 33% of teens have sex by age 16.
- 48% of teens have sex by age 17.
- 61% of teens have sex by age 18.
- 71% of teens have sex by age 19.
You can understand that your teen daughter has it very hard to deal with not only her sexual feelings, but trying to deal with all the peer pressure at school, and the culture of sex in our society, ‘everyone is doing it so why not you?” Your teenage daughter likes to know that you understand what she is going through. She wants to know that she has someone she can come home to and talk to about her feelings without worrying about your responds; more importantly, your daughter wants you to share your own experiences when you were growing up.
Sharing your own experiences when you were a teen may be difficult to do, but I learnt that when I was a teen I opened up more to elders that share their own experiences with me, I am sure your teen will appreciate you doing the same with her. Doing this will help to strengthen the bond between daughter and mother or father as she will feels she has someone who understands her and she can feel safe to talk to.
What is the number one thing teen always says about their parents? ‘They don’t understand me’. And why wouldn’t they think their parents do not understand when parents do not open up with them about their own sexual experiences?
- What type of messages about boys and sex did you receive while growing up? Doesn’t have to be from your parents.
- How did these messages affect you?
- Did you feel you weren’t complete without a boyfriend or if you are not having sex you are not normal or ‘fit in’ with your friends or peers?
- What do you wish you would have known about guys and sex when you were younger?
Many teens associate sex with love as that is what is being fed to them by the movie industry and the romance novels they read. Think about it: in movies and romance novels, how do two people show their love for each other? They have sex. Not only that, the movie industry and romance novels makes it seems as if there is nothing wrong with seeing a guy you think is hot and having sex with him without first building a bond together. You can then understand why many girls ended up having sex with boys they know very little about.
As a parent, God has given you the privilege of teaching your child to value her body and that it should be share with the one she loves in the institution of marriage. It is up to you to sit your daughter down; preferable after you both watch a teenage movie with sex contents in it, and you both talk about what happens in the movie and in life and how she feels about it. When talking, don’t just tells her your opinion or what the Bible teaches about sex, but let your come up with her own views, with your guidance of course. For example, instead of telling her not to have sex with that cute guy that has hit on her for the past month and she also likes very much, ask her how she would feel if she should lose her virginity with that guy and then he wants nothing to do with her. Questions like that can be very helpful not only for your daughter, but also for you.
Here is a break down on how to talk to your teenage daughter about sex
- Share statistics with her of teenage pregnancy and teenage sexual encounters in general. It would be very good if you find real stories by teens on the internet that you could share with her. Help her to understand that many of these teens did not intend to get pregnant, STD or destroy their future as they felt they were just having harmless fun and they were in love. Many teens’ lives have been ruined because of sex. Ask her about what she sees at school and around her and in the media.
- Talk to her about the value of her body and what true intimacy and love is. Let her know that she doesn’t have to use her body to get what she needs/wants or to show someone she loves or cares about him. If the guy respect and likes her then he will respect her wishes and not pressure her for sex.
Let her know that love and sex should be left until when she can actually handle the pressure and maturity it deserves, and in a better position. When she is ready for sex and love then the Lord will give the right guy for her. She does not have to run down sex or relationships, it will come in due time what is important now is her education and relationship with God and knowing herself.
Ask your daughter about the pressures she feels and also talk about different “escape plan” when she feels these pressures.
Don’t forget to share your experiences. When you can open up to your teen about your own failures and successes about love and how you dealt with your sexual feelings she will greatly appreciate it.
When should you start talking to your daughter about sex?
You should start talking to your daughter about sex as soon as she can understand a little about sex and intimacy according to her age and maturity. You don’t have to wait until your daughter is a teen or you found out she likes a certain guy to talk about sex and relationship matters with her, the sooner the better. There are much different information going around about sex, add your own voice to the mix and don’t let things up to chance or think that your daughter knows that she should not be having sex. Things can and will happen, you need to get busy and sit her down and start talking.
Don’t make this one time conversation, but a regular chit-chat, but at the same time not too often as you want to give her space but at the same time letting her know and feel safe that she can always come to you about how she feels, what she sees and what she hears. At most, try to have a monthly mother and daughter, or father and daughter one-an-one talk about sex, and other things she may be experiencing.
Please join the conversation by telling us your thoughts on this article, your experiences or just share some tips with us on how to talk to teens about sex