Most of us saw ourselves as #Gideon did when he thought that he was not good enough to be #God’s instrument to deliver his people from out of the hands of their enemies (Judges 6), and because of that we develop what I want to call, Gideon Syndrome. Many of us one time or another was consumed by rejection, low #self-esteem, and feeling inferior to the point of being stuck in ourselves when we should be growing. The sad thing is that the world is fill with persons that continues to see themselves as Gideon did even when they gave their life’s to the Lord; the Gideon Syndrome was not left under the baptism water.
I want you to understand that you are not who people around you make you to believe; but you are who GOD says you are. God is saying to you now that you are a warrior, not a weakling; a victor and not a victim; it does not matter what happen to you in your #past or what others say about you, or how they treated you; you are who God says you are.
My Gideon Experience: I Am More than What I Think I Am
I would like to tell you a bit about who I was before I came to the realization of why God created me, and that I can no longer see myself as Gideon saw himself; but instead I must give up my low #self-esteem and stop being self-consume with my own shortcomings and see myself through the eyes of God.
For most of my childhood I was grown up in an emotionally and abusive home environment. As a result of this, I grew up being mostly afraid of my father because he was very emotional and physical abusive, this was before he became a Christian, which led me to being inhibited (shy) and would never express emotion in public due to fear of being ridicule. I was afraid of not only those around me but basically everyone, even when I became a young adult; most importantly, I was afraid of getting close to anyone as my experiences with #relationship, friends, family and acquaintances is that I always ended up being #hurt and with regrets; I was very timid and afraid.
I was afraid that I could never match up to the requirements of others and could never do anything right. Additionally, I felt most of the times as if I was some charity case and everyone I befriend and everyone I dated did so because they felt sorry for me; I felt like I did not deserve anyone in my life and so through being very insecure I would always push them away with my jealousy, behavior, anger and insecurity. Most of the times I wonder why I had friends; perhaps that’s one of the reason I am always very loyal to those I care about.
I was always afraid of confronting my fears, past and who my past had made me to be; it is only now I am realizing that there is no growth if you are not willing to face who you are now and willing to make adjustments were needed. In life, if you are not willing to confront the man in the mirror, you’ll forever be stuck in yesterday never knowing what tomorrow brings. I never understood what persons meant when they said you first have to love yourself before you could love someone else, I could not understand how I could ever love myself when I felt inferior to others, rejected and like I do not belong anywhere and unloved; how could I love myself when I get irritated very easily, unmerciful, angry most of the times, jealous, found it very hard to forgive and move past the rejection and hurt of others, among other issues. How could anyone ever love themselves when they are like that? I helped many people to change, even write and teach about being who God created you to be, but when it came to me I felt hopeless and helpless. Many people do not know nor understand that I would spend my entire day in front of a computer or dreaming about something instead of hanging out with people because I feel I don’t belong, felt inferior and unimportant in their midst while at the same time wanting to escape the man I see in the mirror.
I now understand that you do not have to love the cracks in your personality for you to love yourself; where there is self-hate there will not be love. But #what is love? How can someone give something they never received while growing up? I have learned how to give love, but sadly not how to identify and receive love. I know my family love me very much, but I never felt it while growing up. I spent most of my childhood wanting to escape my environment I never stop to smell the coffee until it was too late to be a child anymore; perhaps that is why I feel safe being around children and love to play with them, or perhaps it’s because I feel not only important in their midst, but also superior. Could that be one of the reason I develop a control and manipulating spirit where I must always be in control of those I come in contact with and my environment to the point I wanted to control the anointing of God?
In my search for my love, security and feeling very important to others, I had mistaken being able touch such as kisses, hugs, holding hands and having someone merely being my friend meant that the other person loves me. But, if that is not love, then what is it? How do I know when someone really love and care about me if they do not express it physically and verbally (not in terms of intimacy or saying ‘I love you’ but through the things they do, act around me and things they say). How can someone loves you if they don’t tells you they care about you, and shows it in their action, especially when you tell them they did something you don’t like? I must admit that at the time of writing this article I am still trying to understand love.
For most of my life I grew up wearing a mask never letting others know the deep wounds I carry on a daily basis; never letting anyone get close enough to see those wounds, but at the same time desperate for the closeness and attention of others, but too afraid to let go completely unless I trust them with my #heart. I was too wrapped and tied up in self-pity, low self-esteem, insecurity and mistrust, and constantly belittling myself as that’s what I was accustomed to; thinking that I’m mess up with a messed up past and with deep wounds that very little people knows about. Some things that happen in my past I will never talk about them, not even with God. I could not stop to see that I am being love by others and I let go now of the past, of all the hurts and burdens I had carried for so many years. But who is the real me? Who am I really? I am a warrior for God, a chosen vessel who is anointed for a powerful purpose. I am not who people say or think I am; but I am who God says I am.
I grew up thinking that everyone who comes into my life will hurt me, literally! I develop a sense of mistrust and that no one loves me; even though I never admitted it to anyone I dated, sub-consciously I simple get scared when I hear the words ‘I love you’ as all I hear is ‘I will hurt you’. I love to share my thoughts, feelings and life with those I care about, hiding things from me, especially when I ask, and not reciprocating the love I show you, is like having sex with my best friend in front of me.
Because of my past I became unmerciful, angry and aggressive, unhelpful, unkind and hurtful, someone who speaks to you anyway I please, and this affects every relationship i have been in. Although I display these behaviors and more, deep down I am tender, loving and someone you want to be around, but no one ever took the time to get to know the real me. Deep down I am just someone who wants to give and receive love the way I see it. Love is action, never just a thought, it shows in how you speak to other person and in what you do, if there is no action, then in my eyes there is no love; perhaps that is why I question the love of everyone I ever been with and wonder at times if they truly loves me.If you are not willing to confront the man in the mirror, you’ll forever be stuck in yesterday never knowing what tomorrow brings
My past did not only follow me everywhere I went and in every relationship I’ve been in; but it also affected my relationship with God. The more I got closer to God and knew myself and God on a deeper level, the more I felt he did not love me as what use could he have for a man like me? I therefore try to find every clue that would support my theory that God did not love me; I was just some charity case to him. Deep down I wanted to get closer to God and would seek after him; but my motive was because I wanted to feel love, not know or hear that he loves me, but to feel it and for him to express it through action; faith was just too much to rely on.
There were many times I thought that I did not deserve to live; but could never get the strength to commit suicide, and neither could I ask him to kill me.
Each one of us came into this world as a blank state, as sponge, and without any sin; without anything holding on to us or holding us down and without anything attaching itself unto us. However, as we go along life’s journey, some little things get attach to us through our external world, like a viper they got a hold of us and then little by little they release poisons into our blood stream (life) and cause some bigger issues in our lives. If not dealt with before, these vipers continue to hold on to us even when we become a Christian.
Each one of us were born for purpose and it is because of this why as soon as we came out of our mother’s womb we immediately became a target to the enemy as he is determined to destroy us before we destroy his work. He gets you mess up in homosexuality, mess up in lesbianism, mess up in stealing, lying, pride, drunkenness, partying, smoking and other form of drugs, violence, family issues, rape, incest, carnal and marital abuse, emotional abuse and low self-esteem among others; with the intention of you dying before you know the purpose God created you for. He does not care if you are a newborn or not, all he cares about is that you must be destroyed.
I want to tell everyone reading this article now that despite of how others may make you feel at times, your past, or who you perceive yourself to be, that YOUR MORE THAN WHO YOU THINK YOU ARE!! You are not who others say you are or what your past may make you to believe, but you are who GOD SAYS YOU ARE!! You are mighty, you are a warrior, and you are no weakling. Everything the enemy tried to destroy you only serve to make you a bigger treat to his kingdom as God will use your past to make you into a powerful warrior.
Do not allow the negative things or people who come in your path to decide how you look at yourself, or cause you to be-little yourself. I was willing to throw away what God gave me because of all the negative words people spoke against me not knowing that God was just using them as instruments to make me greater. God will take your mess and make it into a message, your past to make you stronger and better able to deliver those that are in the dungeon. Nothing you have been through is for naught and if you should allow God to use all your hurts, abuse and flaws, he will make you into a powerful minister of deliverance and warrior.
You are holding unto someone’s key, the key to unlock the prison doors of their mind and set them free. The key is all that you have been through. Whose keys are you holding unto? Use it and don’t throw it away.
You are whoever God says you are. Change your perspective, and you will change you. “I Am More than What I Think I Am”
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